her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
