The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
