i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
