mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
