The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
