It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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