My hand turned me down
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
birth control should be required to get into college
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
