According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
