The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Pants are for mortals
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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