It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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