I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
