My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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