My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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