I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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