Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
