Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
