Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize
