shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize