ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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