Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
