I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
