I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
