I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
