apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
