Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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