Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
