So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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