I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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