i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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