i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I could make wine with my vomit
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
