Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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