Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
