Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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