dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
