She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
