On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think my vagina is haunted
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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