He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
