Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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