You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
