I'm going to jail i love you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
