Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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