she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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