im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
