god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
