my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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