Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
