I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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