So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
