Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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