just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
