i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
