I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
