I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
