Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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