he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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