Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There r osticjed everywhere
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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