I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
