she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
