Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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