It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
