Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
