I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
